mine.

untitled

2008-04-25T07:53:00.000-07:00

i've been having a recurrent dream of this same girl and the thing is she is so damn hot. might've seen her somewhere on tv or something i suppose but still. i think dreams have a funny way of messing you up.
in my dreams, she's workin in the same office. and i think that's from my self-acknowledged opinion that office wear is the hottest clothes a girl can be in. i'm just gonna list down stuff i like bout her. first off, she has really good taste in underwear and i've leave the details of how i know that outta this. she has the mildest flirt techniques and it honestly borders cheesy so much that i find her so astoundingly cute when she even tries. she uses blue lipstick (go figure) and has the brightest, hazel eyes which catches you by surprise everytime it lights up. her laughter is tinkling and pleasant through and through. she's about 160 in height, but has the hottest body ever. her legs, well it'll kill you. she wears a simple pair of spectacles that hides nothing of her lovely features. she's fair and she smells so.. damn... good. she has a set of smallish, pearly whites. she ties her brown hair (dyed) up in a pony tail but still manages to look like a million bucks.
the last thing i did before i unfortunately woke up, was walk up to her in the office, pull her close and whisper: i am gonna woo you.
and to that, her eyes lighted up and her smile stopped my arbitrary heart beat.
if i meet her in real life, i think i'd probably do the same again, cuz perfection is only the stuff of dreams. and there she is.

untitled

2008-04-03T13:13:00.000-07:00

fools like me aren't meant to play the game of love. because letting go is too hard.
i lost my ring today. its a ring that has lost its meaning months ago. maybe even before that. i was pretty sure i wore it out of habit, cuz without it my finger feels.. well it feels naked. i'm not too sure anymore; there was this sense of loss in me not unlike the one i felt that day she left me. the feeling was diminished, but it definitely was there. its the same damned feeling.
when will it stop haunting me?
i don't think i love you anymore. i don't feel that i love you anymore. i know that i can't love you anymore. so why can't i forget you?
i finally sewn myself up together. i finally found a place i could go without you. i finally moved on. so why does it feel like i left a part of me behind?
i will not hurt anymore.
not for you. i'm sorry.

untitled

2008-03-22T01:52:00.001-07:00

highlight the text below... at your own peril. i guess.

i guess its been really sometime since i seriously considered blogging. problem is, i never want anyone, anywhere near my psyche. frankly, i would make such a perfect story book character; i cry too much for a dude, i'm emotional, i fall in love harder than anyone i know, and i would feel perfectly at ease in beautiful yet somewhat cliched venues such as heavy crystal rains on a hill, or star gazing from a quiet, breezy meadow.
and most of all, i'm a fool; because i dream too much. despite what i show myself as, i'm just a dreamer. nothing practical in my head at all. i'm a fool for love. i'm a fool for romance, and i.... somehow find i end up getting hurt alot.
everytime i'm in love, it always begins as an exciting and yet excruciating experience. the exciting part begins with that whole sense of anticipation, this strange longing and hope. this unstoppable force drives me into doing things i'll never do. thinking things i'll never think and seeing things as i should never see them. but a part of me really fears it all. i'm afraid of rejection, afraid that i looked too far, expected too much, and will end up waiting for nothing. i know for a fact, that when i fall in love, well.. i fall damned hard. i really try not to, but it happens. and now i can't stop it anymore. i find myself gasping for more: your smooth skin; your soft, tender lips and the loose yet snug grasps of your hands. and the thought that i might never ever have that.. really aches through heart quite a whole lot.
i asked and asked myself, what's bothering me so damn badly: i can't sleep properly, i can't eat at all, and i'm unfocussed. i found out, its because for once, for once in a long long time, i really needed and wanted to be honest with myself. because i needed to be brutal to myself. the fact is, even if it never works out, even if you never see it the way i do... i don't want to ever regret, never telling you just how much you meant to me. cause you do... so damn much. more than you'll ever realise, more than i dare to admit.
please don't judge me for this. because i needed to get it all out, or i'll never sleep well again. you can run away, i would never fault you in any way. i'll say this though, if i had a chance, i'll bring you so close to the edge of my heart you'd feel like you're gonna fall off. but you will never; because i'll always be holding on to you, and never ever letting you go.
at the end of the day, i just wanted to be loved. again.

untitled

2008-03-17T14:42:00.000-07:00

she brought me this much closer to an heart attack.

untitled

2008-01-02T04:05:00.000-08:00

i didnt find any solace in sleep. an unexplainable uneasiness crept through me and robbed me of any sleep i hoped i could get. images i don't understand and am not familiar with.
the second day of january passed exactly as how i expected it to. slow. i wonder if i had willed it to happen. i was so painfully aware of every minute and every second that was passing. as if my heartbeat and very conscious was one with that clock hanging in the office. watching as the second hand ticked, imagining that the minute hand is moving. i was so conscious of every movement that each second lasted, as if frantically grasping its little and only moment.
the conversations around felt like dim buzzing. insignificant and somewhat frustrating. this is the start of the year, and it reflects to me, just how distant the end of the year is.
i need a miracle.

untitled

2007-12-30T08:40:00.000-08:00

i think people have a very quirky and somewhat bad habit. (and no, its not picking their noses when sitting in their cars, thinking no one can see them.... although that's bad too btw) its their habit of... looking into things. i don't mean metaphorically mind you, i mean literally looking into things. and its a trait you and i share. and DON'T even begin to shake your head, lift an eyebrow, or deny. just hear me out.
alright, let's just start with the most basic of this lil habit. you're in the toilet now. and you've just finished takin a crap. what dya do? i dare bet at least ONCE you have stood up, and looked into the toilet. measuring up your crap is what you do. check for texture, lumps, solidity.. and hey look! there's that corn from earlier! people, people... what are you expecting to find? its crap, end of story. there's not gonna be any accidental art or a cool friend inside. just wipe up, flush it, and good riddance. moving on...
and when you go out, you're walking around minding your business right? wrong! you're looking into EVERY shop and booth you see. its as if you think you might see something newsworthy y'know. even when you're in a rush, somehow someway, you find that time to take a quick glance into a shop on the way. i mean seriously, what're you expecting to find? aliens? its a BAKERY for god's sake. move on!
don't let me get started on parents. they can't just walk on and just head into their room and lock their doors and stay inside? somehow they just have this itch to poke their heads into the kids' room. i mean what? you really think your kids will be readin porno or something without lockin their doors? and don't start with the "hey sport! watcha doin thing" cuz its certainly something you're not gonna be interested in. you don't see us poking our heads into your rooms and going "hey mom and dad, watcha up to?" cuz seriously, most of us don't care what you get up to in your rooms. and we shudder when we think even further.
add these examples up with the fact that people can't walk away from a hole or a gap or a dark spot without trying to take a look inside, well, my theory works out. x)
so people, let's all thank the lord for not makin us cats, cuz we all be dead as hell if we were.

untitled

2007-12-23T23:04:00.000-08:00

I confess, I messed up
dropping "I'm sorrys" like you're still around
And I know you dressed up
said "hey kid you'll never live this down"

And you're just the girl all the boys want to dance with
And I'm just the boy who's had too many chances

I'm sleeping on your folk's porch again, dreaming
She said, she said, she said, "Why don't you just drop dead?"

I don't blame you for being you
But you can't blame me for hating it
So say, what are you waiting for?
Kiss her, kiss her
I set my clocks early 'cause I know I'm always late

Write me off, give up on me
Cause darling, what did you expect
I'm just off a lost cause a long shot,
don't even take this bet

You can make all the moves, you can aim all the spotlights
Get all the sighs and the moans just right

I'm sleeping on your folk's porch again, dreaming
She said, she said, she said, "Why don't you just drop dead?"

I don't blame you for being you
But you can't blame me for hating it
So say, what are you waiting for?
Kiss her, kiss her
I set my clocks early 'cause I know I'm always late

I'm just always on
You said you'd keep me honest(you're always on)
But I won't call you on it
I don't blame you for being you
But you can't blame me for hating it
So say, what are you waiting for?
Kiss her, kiss her
I set my clocks early 'cause I know I'm always late

untitled

2007-12-23T05:07:00.000-08:00

i am 4 people. i am Mr Yes, Mr Maybe, Mr What-if and Mr No. Yep, all at the same time. and almost always with the more important decisions i have to make.

"you know what, YES i am going to do it. i mean, totally."
"for all i know, MAYBE i will breeze through it and its done and done"
"but... WHAT-IF it falls through.. i mean there's always that chance isn't it"
"well, i guess its a NO then. a li'l pointless ain't it"

well, there you are, i am 4 people. 4, really useless, pointless and kinda stupid people. all hail the "superior" brains of man. the ability to make choices. pfft.

untitled

2007-12-21T03:00:00.000-08:00

In everyone's head, i believe there's always an illusion. a vision, or a scene of tranquility. For me, its in a cozy log house, with fogged up glass windows from the cold. a light drizzle outside.. a hot fire hearth inside. the smell of coffee brewing filling the air. soft background music that won't overshadow the lil pitter-patters of mother nature.. and a li'l more.
it was dubbed "the x'mas inn" haha.

untitled

2007-12-16T00:04:00.001-08:00

i looked at how my blog is, the theme, the purpose and the general understanding of it. its a solace for solemn thoughts and undesirable emotions. to put even something happy or nice in it is just pretty much unthinkable. every entry is untitled, unnamed, unidentified. its the content which brings the volumes of cacophony. not melodious words but plain unpleasant, undignified noise.
the blog itself is unidentified, no names, no destination, no beginning and no closure. its a perversion of sorts. a lust for the darker and emotionally wrought side of me. who am i, is a good question. but the right question, is what am i. cuz i am not a "who", i am merely a shadow. the rest of this entry, well, to do justice to this blog, if bother to, you can read it. its not well-hidden at all. i wear many masks dutifully. this blog doesn't need that big of a mask.
so...

its really, strange. to meet people that can change
your outlook on life. makes you sorta just wanna be a lil different. makes you feel

different. perspectives can
change apparently. i guess i lost
touch with that feeling. when it
comes right down to it,

the most important thing
right now, for me.. is to seek...

[an enraptured realism; depicting iNtoxicating angels]

singing a song.
a song of peace we all seek..
but very few of us ever

find.

untitled

2007-12-15T08:00:00.001-08:00

i'm not sure what's on my mind right now. lately i've gone into a state of inexistence. its like as if i let things just wash over me. right through. had a few real moments though. i wonder if its alright to feel this way.
my mind's filled with so much random lyrics today. it feels like its gnna burst soon. none of em complete though. its like a lil fraction of every lil thing. i guess its just like how the ongoings around a person always leaves an impression no matter how insignificant it might seem. truth is, they always have more meaning than what is first digested and assumed.
sometimes, its better to be an outsider to yourself. you'd learn, see and understand better. however, when people do that.. we end up losing ourselves. its not good to lose yourself, when at the end of the day, self love and understanding is the very thing to maintain this broken sanity we all endure.

you're beautiful beyond what i can describe. it just ain't right..

untitled

2007-12-10T04:28:00.000-08:00

i think bike accidents make you think more about life.
damn.

untitled

2007-11-24T11:29:00.000-08:00

well, there's that.

untitled

2007-11-19T06:24:00.000-08:00

loneliness is an emotion too?

untitled

2007-11-16T06:05:00.000-08:00

well, i know i said i'd continue with the previous post. but i guess i just wanna do something else. and heck, its my blog innit? last i checked, sure is. although.... pretty stupidly, haha. i forgot my password yet again. damn, its funny. i need to start using similar passwords.
so, usually, when i blog, there's always a trigger. cuz i don't really do this whole bloggin thing like a daily worship. its always a trigger. this time round, its a song.

Chris Daughtry
Over You

Now that it`s all said and done
I can`t believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down
Like an old abandoned house
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath
I felt as if I was in way too deep
Guess I let you get the best of me.

(Chorus)
Well I never saw it coming
I should have started running
A long, long time ago
And I never thought I`d doubt you
I`m better off without you
More than you, more than you know
I`m slowly getting closure
I guess it`s really over
I`m finally gettin` better
Now I`m picking up the pieces
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
`Cause the day I thought I`d never get through
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls
Dragged the memories down the hall
Packed your bags and walked away
There was nothing I could say,
And when you slammed the front door shut
A lot of other`s opened up
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

(Repeat Chorus)

damn. just damn. he sure does put breakups into perspective doesn't it. i feel that the lyrics are so brutally honest. none of that death and wrist slitting and suicidal shit that mtv sorta drilled into your head. none of that "love as deep as an abyss" crap either. just brutal. well to me that is. it brings back, stuff to my head.
stuff i tried to leave behind. in some abandoned, creaky, leakin buildin at the back of my head. i'm lookin for a drink right now. a strong scotch, or something. alcohol is my mistress whenever i need company, and i lust for her so damn much. she's a tempation, she is.
you read this, you think you know me? you don't know nothing. nada.

untitled

2007-09-28T06:36:00.000-07:00

So the human race is separated into like two: Males and Females.
"Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus". If you ask me, we're both just species from a long doomed planet. Weep Mother Nature, weep. Both species deserve to be shot if you ask me.
Men are obnoxious, egoistical, self-centered, and highly unreliable (we attribute the randiness on hormones apparently). Aggressive by nature, almost every war has been started by men of huge profiles. Attila the Hun, Hitler, Osama and Saddam Hussein. To name a few. You know whats reaaaally ironic though? Well, there have been many condemnations against these... let's say... crass individuals. and the hilarity is that they rob these men of their manliness. i'm not kidding here. they all seem to have been thought to have one testicle. i mean, haha. its ludicous.

Well, in case i sound feminist in any way at all... i ain't. i'll touch on the opposite gender tomorrow.

untitled

2007-08-25T22:37:00.000-07:00

so much hatred, it feels like drowning. so much pain, i feel so broken.

untitled

2007-08-23T10:06:00.001-07:00

i feel like a joyride.
a really broken one.

untitled

2007-08-21T04:18:00.001-07:00

how painful this emptiness is.

untitled

2007-08-08T11:34:00.000-07:00

meaning was what i sought, questions were what i found.
i'm so glad i penned this down before it slipped my mind like many other stuff that pops into my mind. i guess this pretty much sums up the struggle of life doesn't it. i mean, it just does. every lil action we take in life, we're seeking to put more meaning in our very mundane lives. or rather, at the insistence of many, lives which began mundane. mundane not in the sense of boring, but in the sense, we're all born a clean slate. nothing has been done by us individually to create anymore possibility of a change. at least not yet.
from the point we gain the free will of speech and action, we begin to find the meaning of life itself. feeling, looking, and hearing.
yet, every lil revelation we get, just seems to add more questions to our world. we can't afford to be blind to the many vices of this world. and one of them is ignorance. it'll be the death of us. curiousity killed the cat? well, better a dead, curious cat, than a ignorant one. these questions don't serve to confuse us, they in fact, very oddly and curiously, answer us. you keep asking yourself question after question and finally you realise... damn, you had the answer all along. its not about the getting the right answer; its about asking the right questions.
for me, i'm still exploring, and it sure has been a tough hike. wherever my destination is.. well its been distant and pretty much a rough ride. i'm not sure if what i'm seeking for will lie at the end of the rope. (or my rope haha) but its been a reason to live.
i regret many. and i paid my dues. i cried my tears. its been a very bad time. and... i feel like i'm losing my edge. when that happens, who am i to go to? i've never been good with opening up. and i think my warped sense of distress will scare people. its happened before. prolly will happen again.
i wish i was untitled and reborn. i'd be a clean slate again, and wiped clean of every sin, sorrow and memory.

untitled

2007-08-03T11:55:00.000-07:00

i wonder if being so self destructive is a good thing. i lie awake every single night trying to think my way out of the many tangles of being alive. but thought, is obsolete when not combined with will. and its will i just lack. the frustration of it all ensures i live everyday not knowing how to find the peace which i desire so badly.
i fail myself sometimes.
its in the deepest trench that you find yourself wishing the hardest. how long more can i fall. i'm living in a world of norms and constraints. am i to abide by "the laws" just so that my existence will not fall apart? does every rule of convention govern my very being? well, if so, i find i'd rather cease to exist all together. it might sound oh-so-dramatic but hey, i'm sorry to say, it just goddamn is. if i had a dollar for everytime i am distrupted in creating my own world, i'd be a damned rich person. drama doesn't come close to articulating this discomfort and unease i feel at the idea of being...... chained.
the catch is, i won't be spending a penny, for this money is the sole reminder of my failure to distinguish myself.

untitled

2007-07-25T06:49:00.000-07:00

i just felt like typing. and i have no prepared topic at all. na-da. however, i just realised i have this really interesting shortcoming. i realise that EVERY single time i log on to blogspot.. i change my password. haha. i can't tell if i was a good thing, i mean hey, that means my password is sorta always changing and hence safe... isn't it? haha. its ludicrous.
all hail amnsenia.. or wait anmasie? i'm pretty sure it was amnesia. haha.

untitled

2007-04-22T07:47:00.000-07:00

sure is nice being in love innit?

Untitled

2007-04-08T20:52:00.000-07:00

"i'm leavin on a jet plane, i don't know when i'll be back again.."
i'm sorry if typing it does no dignity to how nice the song might really sound, but hey, if you really want to know, the original version sucks crap. its tune is slow as hell and makes you feel like: "alright man, we heard you once, now get on with it already". Well i think the emotion associated here would be annoyance; and that sentence will be how i would express it. complete with rude eye rolling. sheesh. i sound like an action figure. just 3 easy payments of $2.95!
rather, i'm fond of the version in the show armagaeddon. its creative and sounds so impromptu you just have to like it.
well, see ya capella.

titles titles titles.

2007-04-01T02:14:00.000-07:00

its the little things that really matter. the little chuckles; the huge guffaws. when it comes down to it, april fools is a wonderful day isn't it? what other day encourages you to laugh yourself half-assed? in our world today, this sad, sad, splittin world, we're a global village with distant individuals. to be able to get a laugh... well, it'll suffice to say, maybe that's what everyone truly needs. a little laugh.
rejoice april fools, just don't be the april fool.

i need a title?

2007-01-27T11:41:00.000-08:00

well holy god damned. apparently the last time i blogged was april. didn't really intend to again, but oh what the heck. i felt like typing. must be all the administrative work. i swear i'm turning into some clerk. so that aside, i caught blood diamond. politics and action aside, i was really overwhelmed by the human soul.
i mean seriously, so yeah, DiCaprio died, boo-hoo. but honestly, i'd define it a happy death. think about it, a man's been living in hell for his entire life, never done an honest day's work, mom raped, dad decapitated, not much integrity to speak of, spilled blood of innocent, and emotion ain't much of a word. you make a person go through all of that, and he ain't much of a person no more. but for him, at the end of it all, he made a friend, he saved a family, and he found love. i'd say he hasn't had a girl cried for him for god knows how long. he's made hundreds cry BECAUSE of him that's for sure. it was a good death. humans claim emselves masters of the universe. they seek power, ostentatious lives, knowledge, lust. but yet, many are hardly masters of emselves. we have lost touch with ourselves. in our quest to be everything we can and cannot be, we often fail to see what we had all along. the human soul is our greatest strength, bcuz it represents purpose. it represents a life, and the will that created it. i ain't speakin of god, or any other divinity. i'm speakin of life in its purest form. the Will. without purpose, there is no life to speak of.
human emotions are way too complicated. we stay mortals not only bcuz we die, but cuz most of us are slaves to our emotions. we live for em, we die for em. its innate. mortals are chained down to this burden, and no matter how much emotions give us hell, we are thankful. its bcuz we feel, that we truly live. crazy? damn right it is.

untitled

2006-04-11T08:51:00.000-07:00

Q. how much hatred can one person actually store in 18 years?
A. hell loads.

i can never fathom my fascination for glow-in-the-dark stuff. i think its the way they stand out in the darkness that really entices me. seduces me.

life is really one bloody vicious cycle. literally, like drippin with bright red, salty and warm blood. splattered on the wall. why? well. god created 2 kinds of people in the world. one portion irritates the living fuck outta you and the other doesn't. fortunately and/or UNfortunately, this applies to every single living being. yes. the bunch of carbon based creatures that everyone loathes so much. that aside, (i do love em actually. you can't help it can you. its innate.) the vicious cycle goes such that no matter what, you will always be seen as a pest someway or another. that you'd NEVER (don't even bother trying) be universally accepted. and if you did try, well, dont mind if i point and laugh at you right in your face. cuz you're SERIOUSLY pretty half assed.
there are, of course, certain acceptions to this division of the globe. such as in the case of yours truly. where my world is divided into 3, one is the portion of people i'd like to stab in the eye for existing. the other is indifferent and the last is whom i love so bad, they are my purpose for substantiality in life. one cannot be parsimonious with love. once again, its innate isn't it.
well, the splattering part. which is the whole... grotesque and sometimes inevitable part, is the fact that sometimes, that half which severely annoys you actually can consist of your friends as well. like real friends. its just that god made them so uniquely damned fucked up in the head, that half of you wants to befriend him/her and the other half questions your sanity.
i have no qualm sayin that they do exist in my life.
god damned. ain't it all just quaint.
bloody ironies. pffft.

untitled

2006-04-09T08:41:00.000-07:00

its intriguing how a piece of paper can hold nearly every shit you had to go through with your life. if i really gotta thank god sincerely, i'd say thanks for my hands that can draw.
now instead of just writing everything i hate, i can draw everything that kills me.
this is one ironic gift.

sudden urge to burn that piece of paper though. it just seems so... flimsy. i think if i burn it i might cry and laugh myself fucking silly at the same time. man. i am so full of despair and when i look at myself i feel like retching. disdain for myself. art and blood feeds my soul.
i should consider being the first vampire in singapore. aftetall, Vampires will never hurt us.

i wish i could feel your soft lips on mine. its a salvation that i can't just dream of.

untitled

2006-04-08T12:04:00.000-07:00

Do they have radios in heaven?
I hope they do
'Cause they're playing my song on the radio
And I'm singing it to you
If they don't have radios in heaven
here's what I'll do I can bring my guitar when my time is up and I'll play it for you.

very screwedly, i can't play the bloody guitar for nuts. but hey, i can always dream i do. just realised what kinda screwed up life i've been livin. makes you wish that you could have done something about it when you actually had the god damned time. but procrastinate and procrastinate and you end up permanently creating this void that can never be filled. you end up screamin regret in your dark, empty hell hole called 'room' and drown yourself in fuckin tears. but hey, cry me a river. god won't bleed for you and no one else would. so you can either slit your wrists and taste your own salty mixture of blood and tears, or you can continue living your life tryin to make things right. i chose the latter. and now i face each bloody day tryin to rectify everything wrong. (rectify. its such a bloody ugly word. like. rectum.)

but problem is... its so damned hard.
its too damned fucking difficult.
to face people, to face myself. what's a boy to do. i'm just a kid.

nietzsche said.. god is dead.