untitled

i wonder if being so self destructive is a good thing. i lie awake every single night trying to think my way out of the many tangles of being alive. but thought, is obsolete when not combined with will. and its will i just lack. the frustration of it all ensures i live everyday not knowing how to find the peace which i desire so badly.
i fail myself sometimes.
its in the deepest trench that you find yourself wishing the hardest. how long more can i fall. i'm living in a world of norms and constraints. am i to abide by "the laws" just so that my existence will not fall apart? does every rule of convention govern my very being? well, if so, i find i'd rather cease to exist all together. it might sound oh-so-dramatic but hey, i'm sorry to say, it just goddamn is. if i had a dollar for everytime i am distrupted in creating my own world, i'd be a damned rich person. drama doesn't come close to articulating this discomfort and unease i feel at the idea of being...... chained.
the catch is, i won't be spending a penny, for this money is the sole reminder of my failure to distinguish myself.